tomorrow would have been the day

Dec. 30...... Now, I know that only 5% of babies show up on their due date... but regardless, the date that will always echo in my heart will be Dec. 30.

I still believe all that I said I believed here and here and here and here.... even more so...

I also believe that this hole in my heart is healing... not because there is a new life growing inside of me right now... but because my God is in the healing business! My heart would be healing regardless of whether or not I was pregnant.

My precious husband gave me a necklace for Christmas with a teardrop shaped Blue Topaz and a small diamond.... the diamond is my birthstone (convenient?? yes.) ... the blue topaz, the birthstone for the month of December. I will not forget my precious first child. We haven't met yet little one - but we will one day....

whoa - 2 days in a row! dont worry - just a christmas meme

ok - 10 for Christmas

1. Best childhood gift from Santa...

Gotta be the pink and purple 10 speed bicycle! I remember walking around the corner to see it and being actually disappointed at first because I thought that BIG PINK WHEEL was just a hula hoop!!! then I saw that it was attached to a full bike!!!

2. Best Childhood Christmas memory...

Jon, Jen and I all trying to sleep in the same room. I say its a childhood memory - - until the Christmas after Jen got married - this was still happening! Of course sleep didn't come early.... and Jon was always convinced we HAD to get up at like 4:00 to preserve the traditions set at the age of 6.... Jen and I would usually sleep in my queen sized bed and Jon would be on the floor - - unless we were in the basement - when jen and I would sleep on Jon's bunk beds and he would sleep on his water bed.... It just built the excitement!

3. Favorite Christmas Cookies...

Anything with chocolate qualifies here.

4. Icky Christmas memory...

I really dont think I have any!!

5. It's not Christmas without...

Family.... there have been two Christmases in my life when I was not with my family ON Christmas day. The first was when I was doing mission work in Germany... the second was last year. My family is ALL together ALL day long on that day,.. its just right to be together. Having said that - Jon and I haven't been together on Christmas since 2006 and won't be again this year as he is military and deployed... 2007 - he was deployed... 2008 I was in VA... and now 2009 he is deployed again....

6. Our church service...

I have only been to Christmas Eve services at my parent's church... its a 30 minute Communion service... a great experience to remember the night before Christmas!

7. Christmas Pet Peeve...

the "busy-ness"

8. Favorite Christmas CD....

This is a tough one - but I guess I have to go with anything Trans-Siberian Orchestra... the two times I have heard them live have made the cd's even better... some of the best performances I have ever seen!

9. Real or Fake?

Fake for us.... Fake AND pre-lit with white lights... we just get all crazy and add colored lights to have the variety - a trick I learned from my mom... plug them in separately, and on some nights it can be all white, some nights all colored, and sometimes - (most of the time) - it can be FULL with white AND colored lights on at the same time!

10. I spend Christmas Eve...

Prior to being married - Jon always delayed buying his Christmas presents until Christmas Eve... when I would go with him to figure out what we would buy for EVERYONE!!!

My favorite was the day that he called tha tmorning and just said "dress warm and bring a backpack"..... he wanted to drive his motorcycle to buy Christmas presents!! Luckily I talked him out of that one - but those were such fun days! Such a mass chaos of people trying to get so much done!! We just turned the music up and had a blast! It was one day we could always count on mom and dad breaking the rules.... they would both stay under budget - but before we left the house we would get a credit card, or extra cash handed to us privately with instructions to get just one more present for mom from dad... and for dad from mom... its just what we did!!

There ya go.... Christmas in a nutshell :)

Uncontrolled emotions from an "11 week" pregnant woman

11 weeks and 4 days to be exact.

We are amazingly excited about the current pregnancy. Last Monday - Dec 7, we went to the Doc and were able to see a moving dancing little baby in there and hear a strong heartbeat of 164! It was absolutely amazing and one of THOSE moments of life. I have had so many of them but this one trumps just about all of them. You know, that moment when everything seems to stand still and fly by at the same time... This moment ranked up there with the day Ronnie proposed to me, that moment when I realized what was happening and saw the ring for the first time.... Also, that awkward but amazing wedding moment, while standing in front of the unity candle and grinning at my man knowing that our lives would never be the same, but they would be better because we were now a family.

This moment ranked right there with those two!!!

The excitement of seeing my child - our child moving around finally released some of the emotions that I believe I had been holding for fear of a repeat of last time. For, you see, last time, around 10 weeks - we found out for sure that our little one was not alive. Last time in that room with the ultrasound tech, we realized that the darkest tragedy of our lives, the loss of a child, was a reality for us. It had been week 8 that we found that there might be a reason to ask more questions... week 9 came the "you need to be prepared that there could be a problem" and week 10 carried the weight of "there is no blood flowing to the baby."

Which is where I come to today....

The emotions that are running in my head today are almost overwhelming... June 16 is a day that will echo in my head forever - It is the day the miscarriage happened. Approximately 11 weeks and 4 days into the pregnancy - The excruciating emotional pain accompanied with the unbelievable physical pain - that even Vicodin couldn't hide - (aside from the fact that Ronnie had kidney stones on the same day and we spent a good part of the day in the waiting room of the ER) It hurt.... more than anything I have ever felt. In more ways that I ever thought I could feel pain. My heart hurt.

Today is the 6 month mark of that horrible day. December 16th. Today is also 14 days, two weeks, away from the due date of our precious first child. For that my heart kinda aches too. What would he or she have looked like? What would his/her personality have been like? Would he or she be more of an musical artist like mom? or a thinking lawyer like dad? or neither?

Today is also a day of hope - for now, around July 3 - we WILL have a precious addition to our small family. Today, on this day of week 11 day 4 - I look at the tiny images of the alien looking ultrasound that I carry on my blackberry and tear up with the hope of July 3.... (I do realize that is an estimated date.... I know... I get it)

So, this emotional, hormonal, nauseaus, sometimes puking, always sleepy, mom is just kinda holding it all together today remembering that first positive test.... the excitement of the first announcements... the first pregnancy that will always be my first child.... the apprehension of this "first positive" test... the announcements that happened via phone this time... the hesitation of having the ultrasounds done... and the fears every time I go 15 minutes without SOME symptom... They say (whoever they are) that once you see a heartbeat after 8 weeks, they chances of miscarriage drop to below 1% - - I am not sure about all that... but I sure am hopeful that "they" are right.

So, here we go - continually praying for our little "roo" and the remaining 29ish weeks until we meet face to face!! - Thanks for the name Samantha :)