Worrier - Party of 1

Confession time: I worry - I don't really want to... I know I shouldn't.. and I don't all the time. But sometimes - it just gets the best of me.

Be anxious for nothing but in every thing give thanks.
Cast your cares upon the Lord for He cares for you
His burden is light...
Wait patiently for the Lord and He will answer
I have not given you the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Ok - - so there are my promises... that is what I hold to... that is my prayer.

But still

I worry.

This weekend has been more "worrisome" and emotional than most for some wierd reason... so I am here to share with you some of my worries... Maybe if I announce them to the world - - via www.... then I won't worry so much? Or maybe not. But its worth a shot.

I love change. I have always loved it - I think because I grew up with lots of change. I moved at the ages of 3 months, 3 years, 9 years , (two weeks before my 10th bday), 13, and 15 (one month before my 16th bday). Not just across town moves - but all but one were to a new state. The last one being to a new city about an hour from the one we were leaving. Meaning at the age of 13 and 16, there I was - the geeky new homeschooled preachers kid trying to make friends... etc. etc. I think this has created me to be this "always looking for whatever comes next." type of person. Not that I can't enjoy the "here and now" but I am always thinking on the next step. I love to move - I love to meet new people - I love to go to new places. I live now in a rural area out side of a small town. RURAL is the key word. We are talking go to nowhere and drive 30 minutes further! I am a city girl. We have a well.... We have a septic tank (the concept here confuses me.... moving on)... We let our dog run because there are no leash laws outside the city.... We take trash to the dump - we don't have a large trash can that is picked up once a week... We have no sidewalks, or curbs... We have a gravel driveway... get it? RURAL!

Sorry - I digress...

This RURAL life for me at first was FUN! It was change. It was different. I learned a lot. I liked it... why? because it was different...

Now - we are still here - 7 months later. I have hit two ducks, a deer and almost hit a bear in the roads... We have to have our gas tank filled so we have heat... etc.

I am ready for a change... Not because I don't like it ... But the novelty has worn off - and well... It is time for change.

Now, back to my worries. Last night the worries came from this... As I type it, I am ready to laugh at the silliness of my worry.

I am going to Uganda in July. I love doing mission work. I love meeting new people and studying their culture while telling them about the Savior that I love so dearly! I am passionate about this. I love the look on someone's face when they have an encounter with Jesus so much that they know their life will never be the same!

Last night - the worry lied within this trip. I realized, that sometime within the next couple of years, I will probably have a baby. (NOT YET!!!) In this, I also realized that once that happens, the idea of leaving for two weeks to go to a foreign country would not happen for a time of my life. I am not saying that this would be bad or anything like this... but I need you to realize something. My HEARTS PASSION is traveling for the sake of my Savior. It is my determined purpose. It is the thing that makes me feel more alive in Christ than any other one task EVER! I am co-leading a team of people - of whom more than 1/2 of them have never done international missions before. Lives will be changed in July! God will do great things in my life, in the life of our team, in the lives of the Ugandans. I know this!

I love change though... the idea of changing to not travel is kinda scary - but fun... but in that change - lies a possibility of a LONG time with NO change! THAT IS TERRIFYING!
When a kid comes around... leaving for two weeks will be a thing of the past until they are older... we are talking years here. Since 2001 I have done a mission trip of some sort every year and many years there have been 2 or more within a 12 month period. I keep hearing about focusing your life on your "one determined purpose" and do it with all your might. But my one determined purpose for now - - will not be able to be my one determined purpose at that time. What does this mean? Do our determined purposes change throughout our lives? I know that we have other things we must do - -as wives, we have to clean our homes, we have to feed our families, I also work a part time job that requires that I do other things... but my point is... what is your one determined purpose? and does that purpose change? If so, then how do you ever accomplish it.

Last night a man that runs a mission organization that takes teams to Honduras spoke at our church. He said that someone once told him to focus his efforts on ONE country in the world, and pour himself into that one. He chose the second poorest country in the western hemisphere - and in that - he now sends 11 teams a year to do medical work on thousands of people in the mountains of Honduras! He is making a difference. His lifes purpose is to minister to thousands of people in Honduras. If he had tried to do it all, he would have probably done some great things - but his focus would have been split! Focusing on one place - on one target - was the way that he could have great impact!

So, how do you split focuses? How do they change? How can my passion move from short term mission work - and the miracles that I believe God does in that format - - to no international trips for a matter of years?

Anyway - - this was my worry. Please know that I am excited about one day being a mom... I am not putting that job down - I am amazed by the women that I know that are wonderful moms... my mom at the top of the list - that also never lost their passion - I just don't quite understand how you guys do it. I am wondering. Asking. How to you move from one stage to the next without feeling like you have lost something that you loved dearly?

I am ready to hear your comments...
(I am dizzy now with all these thoughts... its your turn)