Another Day Update

Quickly,

I am better tonight.

My wonderful husband made me go out - - he prayed one of the most amazing prayers I have ever heard him pray on the way to town - - then he made me get some Chick-fil-a - - walk around Target, the Mall, Lowes, etc.

PS. Did you know that for 25 cents more, you can get chocolate added to your cookies and cream milkshake at Chick-fil-a?? A CHOCOLATE COOKIES AND CREAM MILKSHAKE!!! It was amazing.

I feel that it isn't like a solved problem. This afternoon, I felt more than ever, like I was walking down a dark tunnel - I didn't even want to come out of it. I knew in my head that most of what was echoing in there was not Truth... but that didn't seem to matter in my heart.

Anyway, maybe I will be able to figure this thing out sometime. I have never been one to truly battle depression. I know the Truth... that I am blessed beyond measure... that I am loved, and that I love others. But today, for some reason, none of that mattered...

Anyway - thanks so much for the prayers! Keep them up. I will keep you updated.

Another Day

Well, I have to be honest today. I know most of my blogs are up, pushing funny, happy-go-lucky, life-is-a-bucket-of-roses, blogs.... if that's what ya came for... this ain't it today... sorry

I don't feel like blogging.

I don't feel like doing laundry (this is normal though.)

I tried to work on my newest adventure - - a new bedside table - - but my drill battery was dead... and requires 16 hours to charge.

I don't even feel like watching the Olympics.

Even worse, I don't even feel like going shopping as Ronnie and I had planned to do tonight.

Ya see, I am usually a 'do-er.' I do things. I really like to do things that help people - - but even when that can't be accomplished - I still 'do.' I have never been one to be lazy day after day. Oh sure, there are those rainy Saturdays - - but honestly, the reason they are special is because every other day is NOT like that!

Right now, for the last two weeks of my life, I can not come up with ONE productive thing I have accomplished. Until a couple weeks ago, I still had classes going on that I was teaching... before that, I was still working at the church... and doing Tupperware parties... Now, since we are preparing to move... and yet not yet moving... all that is gone - and we are still here. I could pack... but honestly, I just feel like doing nothing.

The worst part is that it is a beautiful day outside! I don't even want to go out there.

So many 'un-true' statements go through this little mind.

- you aren't qualified for those jobs that help people out
- you can't do it anyway, why try.
- you won't be able to finish anything you start, so why try?

it even goes so far as.... - you are just useless.

Useless?? I don't want to be useless.

I was listening to a Matthew West cd that I got back in the Spring - Some of the lyrics include:

You got something to say
If you're livin', if you're breathin'
You got something to say
And you know if your heart is beatin'
You got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through
You got it, you got it
You got something to say

Listen up, I got a question here
Would anybody miss you if you disappeared?
Well your life is the song that you sing
And the whole wide world is listening

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Basically - - those are from two of the songs... it should encourage me to get off my tail and get busy doing something.

I also saw this morning where a lady won $50,000 worth of K-mart gift cards. She lives in a poor area of the country. Instead of doing what we all would first do with that money... she went and bought school supplies for 9,000 students that live in her neighborhood. They all got a full backpack of school supplies. WOW! I cried.

I don't usually cry at things like that.

Probably because used to.... I participated in that stuff... I wasn't sitting at home watching it on TV.

But in the back of my head, it echoes... "what if I had given everything?" and "would anybody miss me if I disappeared."

Now, don't say stuff like "I would miss you..." What I mean is that my questions are real. Honest. What difference has my life made in the last few days? Weeks? Months? I haven't helped any one get school supplies, Haven''t been able to show love in a way that impacts people.

So, I look online for jobs... in order to get a job helping people, making a difference, you have to already have 5-7 years experience in doing that. Here comes the qualification thing again....

My heart is just kinda empty.

There is so much I want to do.

There is so much I feel I need to do.

Yet, I am here waiting. For what? I simply don't know.

So, I sit here. On my couch. Empty.



Comments closed. Please spend that time praying for me instead.

So much to say, such a lack of motivation

I am not sure why it is that I have not had any desire to write lately, but its just the way it is.

1. I just started packing up part of the extra bedroom - no we don't have a new house yet. But for now, his office will be in our house, in the extra bedroom. So, since he needs space, and eventually all that stuff needed to go back into the boxes anyway - I just decided to skip the "rearranging" and just box as much as I can for now. SO, back in the boxes go the books, decorations, etc. etc. - I am not very good at labeling my boxes though, so it will be kinda like Christmas when I open all the boxes in the new house... whenever that is. Just a surprise in every box!

2. I cannot keep plants alive. It is something I learned years ago when I lived in Germany! Those Germans loved to give me plants, and then laugh when I killed them... Every.Single.Time. So, as a new wife, I thought maybe my luck had changed. I have even focused on finding plants that people say are hard to kill... but still look nice. So far I have killed a rose bush, tulips, and 2 trailing petunias, as well as some Chocolate Mint herb stuff a friend gave me. Dead - I have some great pots of dirt though if anyone needs it. Only one plant has lasted long enough for me to brag about. I got it in January - its a house plant - has big leaves and doesn't seem to panic if i water it too much or not enough. I think watering for me is the problem, either I drown them, or they have no water for days.... I can't find the medium!

3. I have finished my first round of finals for the college courses I am teaching... everyone passed. I have also started round 2.... a larger class - this is gonna be fun.

4. Changing insurance is a pain in the tail... enough said.

5. Tupperware is still for sale at my house - contact me if you need something! Or go to www.my.tupperware.com/juliamayhew and order something online - you can see the catalog from there! If you are interested in SELLING TW - let me know too... its easy! I have made money already only doing it for like 3 months!

6. That's all folks.

Bad mood questions

Do ya ever have a day when you are in a bad mood for no reason when ya get up? That was my yesterday! I was in SUCH a bad mood all morning.... and then, I guess to give me a reason to be in a bad mood... things happened!

1. As I left my house, the thought crossed my mind - ya know, the clothes are folded, but still laying on the love seat - maybe I should at least just put them up really quick. ummmm... nah - no one is going to come here today. I will do it after church..... Around 10:00, Ronnie calls, looks like there is a tornado warning at our house. No problem I am at work. ummm... Then Ronnie says that his mom needs to go somewhere safer than their house. Since ours in brick.... she is going to go there for a little while. "WHAT???" My house is a WRECK! I have been working a ridiculous number of hours in politics and we are both just trying to keep it clean enough until the election is over! I mean, I wanted her to be safe...... but I didn't want her to see my cluttered house!

2. Ronnie's phone got chewed up by our dog Monday night. (don't ask, its a long story) - we went to the Alltel store to get him a replacement one. I was thinking that the "free" phone that you get with a new contract would probably be about $30-40. WRONG! Those phones, if you aren't in a new contract, and aren't qualified for an upgrade - are $140!!!! WHOA! Looks like he will be using one of those old brick Nokia phones that we all had like 10 years ago for a while. That stinks!

3. When I got home from church last night. Our telephone wasn't in its usual place on the shelf. No problem - "Ronnie, where's the phone?" "Ummm... I think lightening struck again. The phone, the internet, and the DVD/VCR are all gone." Now, this would be a pain regardless, but this is the third phone and second internet box to go out since we got married in June. Our house isn't grounded properly (it's a rental) and we are going to KEEP losing small junk till we move I guess. (that is what is wrong with the 55 inch TV Ronnie was trying to fix the other day.) So, the frustration continued.

So, was it a self fulfilling prophecy? Did my bad mood make these things happen?? I dunno. Some good things happened too - the youth praise band played for the first time in several months (for the first time since adding keys, bass, and female vocals) and did a GREAT job! My Bible study went well, I had a great time teaching, and fun at adult praise band practice.... so it wasn't a totally horrible day .... but I definately had a reason for the bad mood... or did I?

An attempt at getting the words right

I have decided that if I wait much longer, I may never be able to express the emotions. I do not think there is enough storage on this blog to describe the love, joy, fear, terror, excitement, anxiety... etc. of last week. However, I am going to try. Please understand as I write this though, that the week before I went to Alabama for one of the most emotional times of my LIFE, I had to teach a lesson in Bible study that used 1Peter 5:7 as a point. Hmmm... Teaching is one of those hard things that God has me to do so that He can be sure I am trying to understand as I read. What I mean is, I am usually really bad about reading, and walking away having not understood, or at least not tried to apply it to my life. God knows this, so He has me to put it into words, thoughts, ideas, that are easily understood to a group of my peers. When I have to speak these words, I have to have processed them enough for application. So, the verse, "Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you." First of all, how simplistic must I be to have to use a verse I remember memorizing in VBS in 2nd grade at Brookhaven BC in Decatur, AL. I am a grown married woman, shouldn't God be able to use NEW bigger longer verses to teach me? I guess not. My cares.... my cares??... What exactly are my cares during this crazy time?

1. For the time being, my care for the week was my brother. I wanted to spend every moment with him. I even went fishing. Don't get me wrong. I actually enjoy the process of fishing. I don't touch bait, or fish, but I love actually accomplishing something as I fight to get the fish on land. I also think that my love for fishing is that my grandfather is the one that taught me to fish many years ago. Anyway, back to the point. He had to help me fish. He even got the other guys to let me reel one in if they caught one so that I could be sure to catch some. We were bass fishing, with some catfish reels out there too. I caught a catfish, and almost reeled in a turtle, it got off the hook just before I got it in. We had so much fun, I was out there about 3 hours - I will remember that time for a long time.

2. My other care was my parents. They had such a hard week. The church was moving, they had stuff to do, and still wanted to be with Jon as much as possible. The story here could be a long one. But the bottom line is that there was a lot of stuff, a little time, and emotions running wild. I wanted to help - I didn't always know how.

3. My third care was spending time with my sister and her family. I don't get to see them often anymore (living 4 states away). I still love them. I miss them. I wanted to get every possible moment with Jen and Aubrey (and Andy too I guess.... its a funny relationship we have....).

4. My fourth care was still communicating with my husband back at home. He is not so far on this list on purpose - it was just that the time for this was so limited. I had free'er' time in the day while he was working - and was CRAZY busy in the evenings when he was free. This made our talk time very limited, and usually only after an exhausting day for both of us.

So, those are the top 4 cares I can remember from that blurry week. I was to "cast them on Jesus." I am not sure how to do that. To cast means to throw away from the body - to toss. It implies that something is light enough to lift and throw. I felt like the burdens were so heavy I could barely stand under the weight, how was I supposed to CAST them? Then, it hit me. He would even be there to help me lift and "cast" the burden. It wasn't even all my responsibility to do the casting. Hmmm.... I am not saying I completely understand how to do this, or that I even did it correctly. All I am saying is that in the moments that were the toughest. Those moments when the exhaustion was overwhelming, the tears wouldn't stop, the fears wanted to choke me, I felt that there were friends and family praying... and we kept walking. One moment, one step, one tear at a time. This was my cast. To simply trust that others were praying, and to know that our Savior answers prayers.

So, now he is in Kuwait (or somewhere over there.) I am back in Virginia. My family is in Alabama. I have a future sister-in-law whom I love dearly and pray for daily as I know she hurts as much if not more than I do. I have a neice, who is adorable, and one of Jon's fears is that she won't remember him when he gets back.

I am so thankful for my most AMAZING husband, who has treated me like a princess since I got back Sunday morning. I won't go into detail - but it is so great to have someone who loves me even in the tears, who will wait when I break down and cry in the car in front of Starbucks. Who lights candles when I am coming home after a long work day. I couldn't ask for more when it comes to the wonderful man God gave me.

Well, back to work...