Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Uncontrolled emotions from an "11 week" pregnant woman

11 weeks and 4 days to be exact.

We are amazingly excited about the current pregnancy. Last Monday - Dec 7, we went to the Doc and were able to see a moving dancing little baby in there and hear a strong heartbeat of 164! It was absolutely amazing and one of THOSE moments of life. I have had so many of them but this one trumps just about all of them. You know, that moment when everything seems to stand still and fly by at the same time... This moment ranked up there with the day Ronnie proposed to me, that moment when I realized what was happening and saw the ring for the first time.... Also, that awkward but amazing wedding moment, while standing in front of the unity candle and grinning at my man knowing that our lives would never be the same, but they would be better because we were now a family.

This moment ranked right there with those two!!!

The excitement of seeing my child - our child moving around finally released some of the emotions that I believe I had been holding for fear of a repeat of last time. For, you see, last time, around 10 weeks - we found out for sure that our little one was not alive. Last time in that room with the ultrasound tech, we realized that the darkest tragedy of our lives, the loss of a child, was a reality for us. It had been week 8 that we found that there might be a reason to ask more questions... week 9 came the "you need to be prepared that there could be a problem" and week 10 carried the weight of "there is no blood flowing to the baby."

Which is where I come to today....

The emotions that are running in my head today are almost overwhelming... June 16 is a day that will echo in my head forever - It is the day the miscarriage happened. Approximately 11 weeks and 4 days into the pregnancy - The excruciating emotional pain accompanied with the unbelievable physical pain - that even Vicodin couldn't hide - (aside from the fact that Ronnie had kidney stones on the same day and we spent a good part of the day in the waiting room of the ER) It hurt.... more than anything I have ever felt. In more ways that I ever thought I could feel pain. My heart hurt.

Today is the 6 month mark of that horrible day. December 16th. Today is also 14 days, two weeks, away from the due date of our precious first child. For that my heart kinda aches too. What would he or she have looked like? What would his/her personality have been like? Would he or she be more of an musical artist like mom? or a thinking lawyer like dad? or neither?

Today is also a day of hope - for now, around July 3 - we WILL have a precious addition to our small family. Today, on this day of week 11 day 4 - I look at the tiny images of the alien looking ultrasound that I carry on my blackberry and tear up with the hope of July 3.... (I do realize that is an estimated date.... I know... I get it)

So, this emotional, hormonal, nauseaus, sometimes puking, always sleepy, mom is just kinda holding it all together today remembering that first positive test.... the excitement of the first announcements... the first pregnancy that will always be my first child.... the apprehension of this "first positive" test... the announcements that happened via phone this time... the hesitation of having the ultrasounds done... and the fears every time I go 15 minutes without SOME symptom... They say (whoever they are) that once you see a heartbeat after 8 weeks, they chances of miscarriage drop to below 1% - - I am not sure about all that... but I sure am hopeful that "they" are right.

So, here we go - continually praying for our little "roo" and the remaining 29ish weeks until we meet face to face!! - Thanks for the name Samantha :)

8 comments:

Our Four Sons said...

So, so happy that all is well! I continue to pray for you that all will continue to go well and that you and Ronnie will cherish this time before two becomes three!!

Julie Tiemann said...

Such great news that everything's going well. I know it's all bittersweet, but I'm so glad you can rejoice in this new life. He makes all things new!

DeeDee said...

such a roller coaster ride of emotions. I am sitting here trying to type through the tears. For you well know that I too have experienced such- and you word it so well.

Love you my daughter. And rejoicing with you for this precious little one that is alive in you!

the MOM

Stephanie said...

Reading backwards still (sorry about that).

What wonderful news that you are expecting again. I just prayed for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy, happy baby. I look forward to reading about your journey in the upcoming months.

stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

Anonymous said...

Nice post & nice blog. I love both.

Anonymous said...

starting a day care center -
the bad breath report -
the cb code -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the super mind evolution system -
traffic travis -
truth about abs -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
twitter affiliate cash -
twitter decoded -
video piggy -
video web wizard -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -
windo fix -
your bill killer -
you will get paid -
zygor guides -
20 day persuasion -
advanced pc tweaker -
adware bot -
affiliate naire -
apple patch diet -
article submitter -
art of approaching -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
cold sore freedom in 3 days -
conversationalhypnosis -

Anonymous said...

government registry -
heartburn no more -
hippo jaw -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
honest riches -
hot video squeeze templates -
instant website creation -
jump manual -
keyword research pro -
linden method -
malware removal bot -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
micro niche finder -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
muscle gain truth -
my traffic strategy -
nasty dirty money -
negative calorie diet -
no adware -
pc optimizer pro -
perfect uninstaller -
pergola plans -
pick the gender of your bady -
plr ebook club -
pregnancy without pounds -
profit lance -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
questions for couples -
quit smoking today -

Anonymous said...

eat stop eat -
error fix -
error killer -
evidence nuker -
fap turbo -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final uninstaller -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
flatten your abs -
gamers testing ground -
gov auction -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
gov records -
herbal hair solution -
homebre ware -
home job group -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
inteli gator -
joanas world -
joyful tomato -
kidney stone remedy -
learn digital photography now -
learn elements now -
linden method -
lose man boobs -
malware removal bot -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -