Thursday, May 28, 2009

The last 24 hours, the next 5 days

I have debated all day as to whether or not this belonged on a blog. However, I have come to the conclusion that sharing joy on a blog, while awesome and full of comments... never ministers as much as sharing heartbreak. As I spent my day trying not to google everything under the sun, I read a ton of blogs sharing how Christ has walked people through tough times. That is what ministered to my heart. 

In that line, I will share what has happened with us in the last 24 hours. So that you may be encouraged, ministered to, loved... whatever fits your situation. I will first of all give the details of where we are medically speaking... and then, how it feels emotionally and spiritually tonight. 

I went to the Dr. yesterday for the initial physical and junk like that. Last week, we had been asked by Little Life (our crisis pregnancy center) to be a model for them to train their ultra sound techs. They could not find the baby - but were not worried because I was only 8 weeks and it was just an abdominal ultrasound - so that was kinda pushing the edge of the equipment abilities. Regardless, I told the Dr. yesterday about not being able to see the baby at Little Life last week, so they wanted to try to hear the heartbeat.... they couldn't find it with the Doppler. So, they did a vaginal ultrasound to see the baby. They did find the gestational sac, and the baby - - but the baby is only measuring what it should measure at 4 weeks, not 9 weeks. And the Doctor could not see a heartbeat even with the ultra sound. Even on my best calculation, the estimate by the doctor of dating is only about 3 days off.... so at worst I should be measuring 7-8 weeks.... definitely more than 4. 

The Doc set up for me to have another ultra sound next week on Tuesday afternoon. He said nothing is definite yet, but that we should be prepared that the baby may not still be growing.... 

Emotionally, at this point, I am not ridiculously upset... trying to live what I believe right? Trying to be anxious for nothing... have lots of prayer and supplication... and know that God gives and takes away - - Blessed be the name of the Lord... The same God that created my child can keep it alive if He knows that is what is best, even if it is growing slow for some reason. I think the hard part is to have to wait the whole week to know for sure. 

I am not sure what happens after next week. I mean, if the baby has a heartbeat, then all keeps going according to plan... If it does not though, I don't know what comes next. And I am trying not to spend all my time in "what-if" questions... also, am trying to stay off of google as much as possible - that junk scares me even more. 

Spiritually, it is hard to say what is going on. There are a TON of church answers that I could be stating. I really don't want this to sound cheesy or rehearsed. The bottom line is this. I know the answers in my head... and guess I have always wondered, if faced with serious potential tragedy, would I really be able to hold to those things that I claim so loudly to believe during the good times. My honest answer, after a day of introspection, is this: Yes, a resounding, confident, passionate, YES! 

My favorite Bible story from my childhood has always been that of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. I just loved the way they continued to stand in the midst of trouble. Their statement to the King that was threatening to throw them into the furnace was "Our God is able to save us, but if He chooses not to, still we will praise Him." 

Over the last 30 years, there have been different times in which this one verse has echoed in my heart for various reasons. 

Today this is my honest heart feeling. "Our God is able to save my baby, but if He chooses not to, I will praise Him regardless." For you see, today, I have realized that even in the face of possible loss of my child, the Grace that my Father has given me is enough. It is enough to know that if I never meet my child on earth, we will meet in heaven and celebrate for eternity. I believe that firmly based on several scriptures - the first being that wonderful verse that says "before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." My child is known and loved by my Saviour. It is upon this that I rest. 

I type this with tears running down my face. It does not mean I do not feel pain, or have a knot in my stomach. It simply means that regardless of what comes next Tuesday, I will keep walking with my Saviour. 

We do appreciate your prayers and the prayers of anyone you know that would pray for us. 

Monday, May 18, 2009

Pregnancy Week 7

I am starting this blog for the third time today. Yesterday, I had so much that I wanted to fit into a blog... but today, not only do I not remember it all. When I start to type, it just sounds dorky. Yesterday, in my head, it was ROCKIN'! 

Today - I am a total geek. 

So, I will try again. And this time, someone may actually be able to read it when I am finished. 

My kid is growing. Has fingers, toes, elbow, can swim and has eyelids... but is only the size of a lima bean! We get to see "elmo" (what Samantha, Ashley and the girls in Calera have named my child until we find out if it is a boy or a girl!) tomorrow for the first time via ultrasound. I can hardly wait. 

As a first-time mom, I am nervous about EVERYTHING. It's actually quite ridiculous how many times I have googled phrases like "7 weeks pregnant mild back pain" or "7 weeks pregnant and no nausea" to be followed about 30 minutes later by "7 weeks pregnant and nausea." 

I am a dork. I know it. Plus, I don't have much to occupy my time right now. Which is good in that I can rest when I feel that my body needs rest... but I also have too much time to think and pay attention to every thing I feel in this pregnancy! 

On the other hand. When it comes to getting ready for this kid. I am completely overwhelmed. For those that know me... You know that this means that I have shut down. I don't work well when I don't have a plan and feel overwhelmed.... So, cribs, (some with the drop down sides, some that convert with the growth of the kid, and some that are just static beds), bassinet, pack n' plays,(with music and vibration... without)  changing tables, changing table/dresser combos, travel systems, carseats, slings/backpacks, 500 bottle choices, Bpa-free, liners, pumps - - double/single/mechanical.... And all that can be chosen before I even know if it is a boy or a girl! I don't even WANT to think about pink vs blue, zoo animals vs baseball, princess vs Disney.... 

I don't know where to start! I don't even know what size of diapers to start stocking. 1? 2? Pampers? Huggies? both? neither? And every day, I am one day closer to the arrival - - and I still have two small snap shirts laying on the bed in the guest room... that at least the kid would have some clothes to wear - - - or at least two shirts... I didn't even buy those for the kid, but for the t-shirt that we used to tell my family that the kid was on they way! 

It is times like this that I really wish my mom lived closer. It is hard to try to figure all this out for the first time using the internet and a couple of books. 

Especially for someone like me... that over-thinks EVERYTHING!

I do have to say though, that my husband has been absolutely amazing!! My morning sickness has been rather minimal, but he has been wonderful! I have had a cold the last few days that knocked me down though and in that he has cooked every meal for the last 5 days... taken care of laundry.,.. run the dishwasher... kept the house running. He is amazing! 

He makes sure I get my water, and fruit, and veggie, and dairy requirements each day - -and is basically spoiling me beyond all recognition. I really don't know what I would be doing if he weren't here taking care of me. 

Ok, I think it is nap time. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Words cannot describe

I had to say my "see ya later" to Jon a week and a half ago. 

My family had to do it today... 

Jen has a picture

Mom has a couple of thoughts.... 

Dad has put his thoughts... from the other day... and from today as well

I don't think I have words to describe the difficulty of staying in VA when my family is hurting in AL. Or the pain of seeing the tears run down my brother's face when he says good-bye to his neice.... I mean. Really. 

Sometimes, when the heart hurts, the mind runs out of words, and all that flows are tears. 

The good-byes have been said - the tears have fallen.... and are still falling - the soldier is on his way to the last stop before the battlefield. The battle of the mind begins here at home - with the family fighting the "what-ifs." We are proud of our brother, son, husband, grandson, uncle, brother-in-law, friend. We stand taller when the national anthem is sung.... we are proud to see that flag wave. We even smirk as we pass cars with bumper stickers that downplay the importance of what our family member is doing. We laugh when the media spouts statements that are false, to the detriment of our JonJon. Our heart hurts a bit inside knowing that the price of that freedom - the freedom that is taken as lightly as a grain of salt by most of America - has been put on the shoulders of one we love so dearly. And then.... we count the days. 4 down.....

That is what is happening today. Thank you for your prayers. 

Friday, May 8, 2009

Story coming soon

I have a great post coming soon (when I get a chance to type it out) about how both of our sets of parents did ALL they could do to foil our plans to surprise them with the news of our coming addition.... 

But for now... you just have to wait in full suspense... I really hope you are able to sleep between now and then... No, really, I do.

Also.... Please be praying for my brother and his wife. He left yesterday for three days of drill - still in Bama. Will be home for Mother's Day... then three more training days in Bama... and then he is gone to another base... umm... somewhere else... for a while... (The Army is so specific for this stuff.... ) and then... around a month from now - - he will be shipping out to the "sandbox" for approximately a year. 

None of us are ready for this again. 

Brantley is doing it the first time as his wife - we are all praying hard for her! 

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

sometimes.... 1+1=3

Well, I have not posted in about two weeks.... part of that is due to the business of getting ready for my 30th bday.... but mostly, its because other than ONE major event.... I couldn't find anything else to talk about

Now, I can talk about it!!!

Ronnie and I finally passed a test last Sunday - April 26th...

Yep... sorry for the blurriness... the camera didn't want to take a good picture of my passed test.

We told all family members over the weekend... luckily we already had a trip planned to Alabama so that it wasn't wierd that we were coming down there. It really helped with the surprise factor.

We are so excited about the upcoming life change for us! However, I have to admit.... when it comes to planning for this - I don't know where to even start!!! 

So, what do you think? What do you do first? Obviously, I don't know if it is a boy or girl yet - - so choosing colors and stuff doesn't make sense. I do know that we want the big things to be neutral so that we can change what is necessary.... Where do we start?