Monday, August 16, 2010


I guess it's official. I am a rookie. rookie mom.....

I have a to-do list that will most likely not get done
I have a did-do list that most people would not be very proud of
I am more aware of insanity than ever before.
I sometimes talk in baby voice
I no longer feel bad about myself when I say "I stay at home." I am kinda proud of it now
I find myself rocking even when not holding a child.
I just got a text asking me to do something - it included the phrase "childcare is provided" and it applied to me!
I have had conversations in public about poop and spit-up
I find myself reading about controversial topics that use to not even matter to me! (vaccines, CIO, attachment parenting, co-sleeping, etc. etc.) (no - I will not discuss them on my blog....)

It's definitely different than ever before... But, its so stinkin rewarding and he is so stinkin' cute....

I am still the same person. I have not lost my identity. I have not lost my passion for life, music, or people. I have not forgotten that friends are valuable and I need to take time for them. (for my own sanity.) I have not lost my desire to be involved in the world around me-to make it a better place. As a matter of fact, I now desire even MORE to be involved - to make a difference - for every difference I make for the good will have a direct impact on the little one I love so dearly! I have not lost who I am..... I have grown! As when I got married, and everything changed around me.... I have become much more - not less. I have not gone backwards and become "just a mom."

So, for those that know me personally - please realize, that while my "did-do" list may look different than yours, it will still include time with you if you allow it!

I did not intend on this being some vent.... and it is definately NOT intended to be directed at anyone.... simply a statement as to what I have learned in the last 5ish weeks....

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

and heaven is richer for her life here

Wednesday I lost a dear friend. I have waited to put this in writing for fear that I could not represent her life well in words... and so, here goes.

She loved all. She was patient with people. She taught at the detention school here in our town and loved those children dearly. She made it clear that she knew she could have an impact on lives that were not always easy to love.

She taught children. At church she was a consistent children's/AWANA worker. She loved children. She wanted more than anything else to be a mother. She went to children's camp. I was always impressed by her desire to see children know her Savior the way she did.

She was persistent. There were times when we would go weeks without talking. She always reached out to be sure we got back together. She was there for me last year in my miscarriage. She made sure I left the house to go get ice cream... at Bubba's. We sat for hours that day and talked about life. She let me cry, let me vent. Smiled and prayed with me.

She included everyone. I honestly can't remember her ever having issues with anyone! She loved dearly.

She was already such a great mother, to the little one growing inside her. She wanted to be a mother to her own daughter so badly. I remember the day she told me, with tears in her eyes... merely weeks after I had made my announcement about being pregnant with Josiah. We were so happy to be going through this together. She had battled infertility and won... I had battle the loss of a child and won. We walked the last 9 months together. Our due dates - 19 days apart.

She was a co-host of one of my baby showers... we went together with Heather to Buy Buy Baby after work - in Raleigh - to just look at baby stuff. We spent time at Starbucks together - usually not drinking coffee because it would keep us up too late. We laughed at our husbands running out of room in the bed. Ruby Tuesday, our last meal together, the week before Josiah was born, we laughed. Traded some gifts. Compared the difference in preparing for boys and girls. We discussed going late - past 40 weeks. We knew the risks.

We both had doctor appointments at 40 weeks and 6 days.... both to start inductions on that day. I was simply 19 days ahead of her. It is in this process that our pregnancy story would go different directions. Mine... through scary moments, came out with a healthy delivery... She came to see us in the hospital. She held Josiah. We discussed that I would be doing the same thing a couple of weeks later. It was not supposed to be this way. Her induction... well... That induction would cost her life. Her last gift to this world is a beautiful baby girl. As I held her in my arms last Saturday, the tears poured knowing how much this baby girl was loved by her mother. It was not supposed to be like this. How she had smiled with big tears in her eyes that day... the day she couldn't hold it back anymore.... how she glowed when she talked about her daughter. The concern she had when the risky days came within the pregnancy. The faith she had that everything would be ok. It was supposed to be different.

This is what I will always remember about my dear friend. So few people on earth are as loving and open as she was. Our lives are changed because she was a part of them. We will do out part to be sure her daughter always knows that her mother loved her dearly - and loved others unconditionally.