Thursday, May 28, 2009

The last 24 hours, the next 5 days

I have debated all day as to whether or not this belonged on a blog. However, I have come to the conclusion that sharing joy on a blog, while awesome and full of comments... never ministers as much as sharing heartbreak. As I spent my day trying not to google everything under the sun, I read a ton of blogs sharing how Christ has walked people through tough times. That is what ministered to my heart. 

In that line, I will share what has happened with us in the last 24 hours. So that you may be encouraged, ministered to, loved... whatever fits your situation. I will first of all give the details of where we are medically speaking... and then, how it feels emotionally and spiritually tonight. 

I went to the Dr. yesterday for the initial physical and junk like that. Last week, we had been asked by Little Life (our crisis pregnancy center) to be a model for them to train their ultra sound techs. They could not find the baby - but were not worried because I was only 8 weeks and it was just an abdominal ultrasound - so that was kinda pushing the edge of the equipment abilities. Regardless, I told the Dr. yesterday about not being able to see the baby at Little Life last week, so they wanted to try to hear the heartbeat.... they couldn't find it with the Doppler. So, they did a vaginal ultrasound to see the baby. They did find the gestational sac, and the baby - - but the baby is only measuring what it should measure at 4 weeks, not 9 weeks. And the Doctor could not see a heartbeat even with the ultra sound. Even on my best calculation, the estimate by the doctor of dating is only about 3 days off.... so at worst I should be measuring 7-8 weeks.... definitely more than 4. 

The Doc set up for me to have another ultra sound next week on Tuesday afternoon. He said nothing is definite yet, but that we should be prepared that the baby may not still be growing.... 

Emotionally, at this point, I am not ridiculously upset... trying to live what I believe right? Trying to be anxious for nothing... have lots of prayer and supplication... and know that God gives and takes away - - Blessed be the name of the Lord... The same God that created my child can keep it alive if He knows that is what is best, even if it is growing slow for some reason. I think the hard part is to have to wait the whole week to know for sure. 

I am not sure what happens after next week. I mean, if the baby has a heartbeat, then all keeps going according to plan... If it does not though, I don't know what comes next. And I am trying not to spend all my time in "what-if" questions... also, am trying to stay off of google as much as possible - that junk scares me even more. 

Spiritually, it is hard to say what is going on. There are a TON of church answers that I could be stating. I really don't want this to sound cheesy or rehearsed. The bottom line is this. I know the answers in my head... and guess I have always wondered, if faced with serious potential tragedy, would I really be able to hold to those things that I claim so loudly to believe during the good times. My honest answer, after a day of introspection, is this: Yes, a resounding, confident, passionate, YES! 

My favorite Bible story from my childhood has always been that of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. I just loved the way they continued to stand in the midst of trouble. Their statement to the King that was threatening to throw them into the furnace was "Our God is able to save us, but if He chooses not to, still we will praise Him." 

Over the last 30 years, there have been different times in which this one verse has echoed in my heart for various reasons. 

Today this is my honest heart feeling. "Our God is able to save my baby, but if He chooses not to, I will praise Him regardless." For you see, today, I have realized that even in the face of possible loss of my child, the Grace that my Father has given me is enough. It is enough to know that if I never meet my child on earth, we will meet in heaven and celebrate for eternity. I believe that firmly based on several scriptures - the first being that wonderful verse that says "before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." My child is known and loved by my Saviour. It is upon this that I rest. 

I type this with tears running down my face. It does not mean I do not feel pain, or have a knot in my stomach. It simply means that regardless of what comes next Tuesday, I will keep walking with my Saviour. 

We do appreciate your prayers and the prayers of anyone you know that would pray for us. 

31 comments:

Our Four Sons said...

Though our friendship took a break of many years, I am proud that I am now able to stand with you in prayer. Your faith in the face of such a great obstacle is a testimony to all who know and love you. I will pray that God's will be done with your precious baby and that no matter what the outcome you will feel his presence in the situation.

Tricia said...

Julia
We are definitely praying for and with you, I am so sorry you are having to go through these days of uncertainty... it reminds me of the "what if" session from the Esther study, that one ministered to me so much...

Remember, we are your deacon family here at CBC, please let us know if we can do anything for you way down here in Alabama...

Blessings and prayers...

JustJessie said...

Julia, what a beautiful testimony... I'm crying, praying, and trusting right along with you.

Terri said...

Julia,
I am definitely praying for you. I experienced a similar situation during one of my pregnancies and the waiting and uncertainty was so hard and painful. I pray that you and Ronnie will experience peace and comfort that passes all understanding, and that you will know that God's timing is absolutely perfect. We love you and thank God for the testimony of your life.

DeeDee said...

Such a beautiful post, my Julia.

Like I told you today... I do not want for you to walk down this particular road that I have been down twice. I hope that is not God's plan. I pray that it is not.
But I am confident...that if it is ... He will give you the comfort that only He can give. He will sustain. He will use it for your good and His glory. I can say that with confidence - because I have walked that particular road before you.
Yes, the pain is real. Yes, it evens makes my heart hurt today ... again.
But His grace is sufficient. His Grace is sufficient.
And for today, I am praying that all will be well on Tuesday with your precious baby and my grandchild. But if not, I too will praise Him. With you.
And tonight I praise Him for you. For your faith, for your testimony.. for your life.
I love you so much ... and I wish I were there.
Love you.
MOM

Hal said...

My precious Punkin, Iam sorry you and Ronnie are going through this time. Mom and I wish we could be with you and pray with you. We love you,
Dad

Amber said...

I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing. You will most certainly be in my prayers.

Latte With Me said...

I have no words for you. Just know I'm lifting all of you up to our Father right now. I have the feeling He wants you to know how much He loves you and how proud of you He is. ~Agape~

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

Sweet one, I will be lifting you up in prayer fervently! I am a follower of your sweet mom's blog and I just wanted you to know that you have many people praying for you.

God is the one who is in control. I love how you are so steadfast in your faith. If_____, then God. We can fill in the blank with anything. But God is always the answer.

May I put you on my prayer page?

Much love -

Jessica R said...

Oh Julia... I love you, and I am praying for you. My heart aches for you and Ronnie. I am also very encouraged by your faith and strength. Thank you for being willing to share.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying for you...and you are right...no matter what, His grace will be and is enough.

chickadee@afamiliarpath said...

i felt the same way when i went in for my 12 week appt. and they couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler. as i sat waiting for my ultrasound i prayed that god's will be done. we lost that baby but have been blessed with a daughter since then. i pray this will turn out for the best for you.

Joye @ The Joyeful Journey said...

Julia--I came here from your mom's blog and my heart is just wrenched for you. I will be praying steadfastly for you and for your husband as well. (It has been my experience that our dear husbands feel this pain very strongly, too) I know that you are trusting God and He will carry you through everything that lies ahead. I pray you will hear your child's heartbeat soon. But whatever happens, God is in control of this season, too.

Your faith is shining through your tears, Julia, and it is a testimony to God's love!

Praying you feel His strong arms holding you up today and always...

Anonymous said...

Julia,
The comfort that knowing God cares for us and that He will get us through any circumstance is beyond words to describe. He is our Anchor to hold on to when facing trials. Praying for you and Ronnie as you hold on to God. Praying for your little one that God will sustain that precious little life. Prayers and Hugs to you all! Vicki Pounders

Tammy said...

Lifting you up in prayer!

Jeremiah 29:11

Linda said...

Julia, Your post was so moving. It shows that you trust God,...and that you love Him. Thank you for all of your honest feelings and emotions that you shared,...and for the biblical truths that you posted.

God is in control, and He will bring you through this sweet one.
As you said,...no matter what, you will be able to praise him.

I am a follower of your mom's blog and I gain so much from her writings. You are blessed to have such wonderful parental support. Cling to them,...and of course to Jesus. They each love you so much.

I will be praying.

In His Love,
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

christy rose said...

I stopped by here from your mom's blog. I can relate so to what you are going through. I have had the same situation happen to me twice. One time did end in miscarriage and once a wonderful, sweet, healthy baby boy.
In the midst of it all, trusting that God was going to take care of me and me unborn baby, I was able to rest in His arms and allow Him to carry me through the upcoming events that I was going to experience. As you said in your blog, there is peace either way. One brings a life into this world that you get to love and care for, the other brings a life into the next world that you will get to anxiously long to see with great excitement when you get to Heaven.
Look to and lean on Him and let Him carry you through this time. You win either way! I will be praying for you!

Jamie said...

God brought me to your blog via feedjit today. I am praying for you and your little baby. Your post is beautiful and a great testimony. Prayers for continued steadfastness.

God bless,
Jamie

Angela said...

Tears welled up in my eyes also as I read your post. I will be praying for you. The Lord has definitely been glorified here through this storm..Praise You In this Storm is totally evident in your words.

Brooke Oliver said...

Julia, thank you for having the courage to share. We love you and are praying for you, Ronnie, and your sweet baby.

Anna said...

Oh sweet Julia! you are of course in out prayers. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I wish i could give you a hug, tell Ronnie to give you one for me. Much love!

Ali Richardson said...

You are such an inspiration & encouragement! I'm praying with you and for you through this difficult time as you have been praying with me through mine. I'm so glad God has grown our friendship through Him. You are such a blessing! Love you girl!

Laurie Ann said...

Julia, I came here via DeeDee's blog. I am amazed at your attitude in the face of such uncertainty. We can all take a cue from you, preparing ourselves to praise regardless. I am praying that you receive good news! I'm so sorry that the tears are flowing right now. Please know I'm praying for you.

Jenni said...

What you say about sharing heartbreak is so true...the body of Christ is never more beautiful than when we hold each other up in prayer during the difficult times.

Thank you for sharing this, and for your sweet comment over at my place.

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