This is the definition of my feelings right now.
I have been working for the last 2.5 months on a campaign. It was supposed to end on Nov. 4. We are now in “canvassing” mode – and we will know sometime in the next three weeks if we will go into a recount situation. I thank God for the chance to work in this capacity. I am learning a LOT. My selfishness though was ready for some free time. It did not come.
Questions I answer every day are…. How long will this last? Who is going to win? Can we pull through? Will we recount? How long does that take?
The phone callers call in with desperate hope in their voice. I return their questions with certain positive answers. We are not giving up hope. We are working hard. At the end of the conversation I must end with a question in my voice though. I have the same questions they have. I can give reassuring answers only so far, and then must admit to myself that I do not have an answer.
Last Friday Ronnie and I took a step that we have waited on for 18 months. We signed a lease on a house. It was a beautiful new house. Two stories. Colonial style. With a dishwasher. With an oven. With a basement. For a decent price!
We reserved the U-Haul for November 15.
We called our landlord and told him we would be moving.
I started packing. I packed everything that we didn’t need to use between each day and Saturday. My living room is full of boxes, there are no pictures on the walls. My house is no longer home.
That was ok.
I was supposed to move on Saturday! I could handle this for a week with the promise of a new house in days.
Tuesday Ronnie found out that there is a sulfur problem with the water. It smells like rotten eggs. ROTTEN. EGGS. I really don’t want my clean body, clothes, and dishes to smell like rotten eggs.
We researched via Google - it’s all ok, they make a filter.
Wednesday we found out that the rental company would not cover the cost to install the 1200-3000 dollar filter.
Wednesday afternoon we cancelled our lease agreement due to “a material disclosure” that they apparently did not disclose. (lawyer talk). We called our current landlord and told him we do not want to move. I don't think he has called back. I don't know what will happen there.
Wednesday night we came home to a box filled house. I have no desire to unpack in this house. I was supposed to have a new house. With carpet, and a dishwasher, and an oven, and an electrical system that we don’t have to worry about killing our electronic devices. (I don’t have to remind you that our list of dead electronics since we moved into this house is REALLY long do I?.... Two TVs, three telephones, 3 internet motems, a refrigerator, etc. etc. etc.)
Last night I met with a friend at Starbucks. I needed the time with her. She encouraged me more than she will ever realize.
This morning I can’t help but ask – what is coming next? How long with my job last? Will we pull through at the end of this election? Do I really have to unpack all of my stuff in THIS house? Will I have a place for my friend to stay when she comes to visit in the middle of December from Georgia?
The answer I have heard more than a million times since we started actively looking for a house a year ago is this. “The housing market is GREAT for buyers now! You can have whatever you want for whatever price you want.”
I don’t get it.
I don’t know what is next.
I don’t know how to find out what is next.
We have prayed, waited, prayed, waited, walked through seemingly open doors, only to have them slam in our face. We prayed some more. Here we are. Waiting.
Here is my new theme song by Sanctus Real. I am choosing to believe the words of this song. The chaos WILL fade – there WILL be peace. It is my prayer. Even when I don’t FEEL that God is in control – it doesn’t change the fact that He is.
It's time for healing
Time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long.
Time to make right
What has been wrong,
It's time to find my way to where I belong.
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender.
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can’t see
But I’m giving in to something heavenly.
Its time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Re-evaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will?
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
Whatever you're doing
Inside of me
Oh it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
But I'm giving in to something heavenly…Something heavenly.
It's time to face up,
Clean this old house,
time to breathe in and let everything out……
that I've wanted to say for so many years,
time to release all my held back tears.
Whatever you're doing inside of me,
Oh it feels like chaos but I believe,
That you're up to something bigger than me…Larger than life…something heavenly.