I am going today to have blood taken to make sure all my HCG (pregnancy hormone) numbers are dropping appropriately.
I honestly thought, somehow, that when the actual process happened, and the physical pain was becoming less and less, that the emotional healing would be a steady upward process.
I was wrong.
For a couple of days, I felt really good, physically, emotionally, everything.
This weekend has been hard! And today I feel on the edge of tears constantly, and I really don't know why.
During the time since I found out my baby was no longer alive (approximately 4 weeks now.... ) five friends have had their babies, and the pictures didn't really hurt... 4 others have announced that they were pregnant, and the news really made me excited for them. I count myself lucky to not be jealous of others' excitement.
This weekend, however, I think the thing that set it off was a late delivery from the mailman. About 8 weeks ago, I went to the huggies website and signed up for some random diaper sample. It just seemed like a smart thing to do, get 3 free diapers... right?? Well, they were delivered Saturday afternoon. I just wasn't expecting it. There, in the middle of my living room, I was holding the diapers that were meant for my baby... and my heart broke. Again.
Please continue to pray for me as my emotions are still just ugly. I want to be healed, to feel better, to allow the hole that will always be in my heart, to begin to heal... although the hole will remain, at least it will one day be a reminder of the hope that is to come.... today, it just still hurts.
In addition to this, please keep my little brother in your prayers - - he has arrived at his sandbox destination... and the battle continues.