Monday, June 29, 2009

I really can't think of a good title.

I have started yet another political job. But we won't discuss that here. There are plenty of political blogs that do much more than I would even want to.

I am going today to have blood taken to make sure all my HCG (pregnancy hormone) numbers are dropping appropriately.

I honestly thought, somehow, that when the actual process happened, and the physical pain was becoming less and less, that the emotional healing would be a steady upward process.

I was wrong.

For a couple of days, I felt really good, physically, emotionally, everything.

This weekend has been hard! And today I feel on the edge of tears constantly, and I really don't know why.

During the time since I found out my baby was no longer alive (approximately 4 weeks now.... ) five friends have had their babies, and the pictures didn't really hurt... 4 others have announced that they were pregnant, and the news really made me excited for them. I count myself lucky to not be jealous of others' excitement.

This weekend, however, I think the thing that set it off was a late delivery from the mailman. About 8 weeks ago, I went to the huggies website and signed up for some random diaper sample. It just seemed like a smart thing to do, get 3 free diapers... right?? Well, they were delivered Saturday afternoon. I just wasn't expecting it. There, in the middle of my living room, I was holding the diapers that were meant for my baby... and my heart broke. Again.

Please continue to pray for me as my emotions are still just ugly. I want to be healed, to feel better, to allow the hole that will always be in my heart, to begin to heal... although the hole will remain, at least it will one day be a reminder of the hope that is to come.... today, it just still hurts.

In addition to this, please keep my little brother in your prayers - - he has arrived at his sandbox destination... and the battle continues.

17 comments:

Tanya Wilson said...

I admire you for not being jealous. That is a very hard thing to do. Just hold on to the diapers, they will come into handy some day. God has plans for you, just wait in prayer.

We are praying for you, your family, and Johnathan.

Tanya

Darlene said...

I wish I could say some kind of magic words and make you feel better and take away the pain. I only can say that I love you and I am praying for you. Also, don't give up HOPE. God is working even when we can't see or understand HE has a plan. I am still learning this myself.
Love ya girl,
Darlene

Tricia said...

Praying for you... so sorry you are having a tough day... may the God of all comforts comfort you as only He can...

Blessings and prayers...

Julie Tiemann said...

Oh Julia, I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how crushing that would be.

I have actually noticed how amazingly "unjealous" you've seemed - the fact that you were still reading (and even commenting) on my blog humbled me, because I think I might find it hard in your situation. It is an amazing testament to your faith and your kindness that you have responded the way you have. But that doesn't mean you won't have bad days where you might feel sad, angry or even jealous! So let yourself feel what you need to feel, then turn it over to the One who's felt it all and more...

Much love...

Hal and DeeDee said...

love you my daughter...
hurting with and for you...
continuing to pray.
love,
MOM

Virginia said...

Thank you for your comment on my blog, and so sorry for the terrible comments you got after your miscarriage. They are NOT right! And comments like that make me so angry.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Julia, I am so sorry for the emotional pain you are feeling. But it is okay to hurt and to cry for a while, and it will be a while. With time, maybe alot of it, the pain will ease, but you will never forget the hopes and dreams that you had for this baby. Thank God you are a Christian and you know that He has your little one safe in his ams. The tremendous hurt that you are feeling now will help you to be able to comfort others going through difficult situations.

Anonymous said...

(I ran out of space on the previous message)Only those who have experienced tremendous hurt (and dealt with it, not swept it under the rug) can truly relate to and comfort others in pain. May God continue to heal and comfort you and Ronnie during this time. I will keep your brother in prayer also. God Bless You!

jenni said...

The grieving always takes me by surprise, too. It's just damn unpredictable.

Hugs and prayers for you...

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