Saturday, June 20, 2009

What I will take away

There are many parts of this last month that will hopefully fade from my memory. I could list them, but then they would be permanently memorialized here, and I really just don't want to do that.

However, there are even more parts of this last month that I want to remember forever. I have listed a few below. The last one, I have not mentioned up to this point on the blog mainly because I think I was just not yet ready to discuss it.

- The look on Ronnie's face when I staggered into the living room, Sunday morning, April 26th, holding the first pregnancy test, trying to see if that was really two lines. I finally looked at him, and said "You are going to be a daddy!"

- The trip that afternoon to Babies R Us in an attempt to let the weight sink in

- Keeping a secret for a WHOLE WEEK!

- The fun of planning to tell our families. - I never did get the fun stories typed out. I will do that soon.

- Those weeks of overwhelming excitement and fear that seem to compete, and yet somehow, they simply worked together to create a sense of awe at what was happening in my body.

- Buying our first baby items, and getting the one gift that was given to us for our baby. That precious gift will be treasured forever. Ironically - - it was a small outfit, and a book entitled "On the night you were born." I tear up when I see it even still.

- The process of watching the most amazing man in the world learn how to handle a pregnant woman, and then have to turn around so quickly to learn to hold me while my heart was breaking. All the while knowing that his heart was crushed as well.

- The amazing love, support, and prayers of the people around us. Some that we have known for years... others only weeks. Yet you have all been a rock for us to rest on.

- The peace that passes all understanding that has filled our home these last weeks. I would love to be able to explain how it is that my baby can be taken before I ever got to meet him, and yet, I feel no anger. I am so thankful that peace, hope, and love have all reigned in our home. I simply must give the credit to our Savior.

- Finally, the story that I have yet to tell.

I need to start with the background that Ronnie and I, from the first day of knowing we were going to be parents, started praying that our child would have eternal impact. It is each of our desires that our own lives not be limited to the short time we have on earth, but that someone's eternity might be changed because we were here. We had already begun to pray that for our child. We also had been praying that we would be ready to allow God to use our child anyway He saw fit in order to accomplish this goal. I did not want to ever be held responsible to God, for holding my child back from whatever it was God had planned for him. I wanted to be prepared that one day I would have to allow God to lead my child - - - and that might include things that I would be afraid of. I was praying that my heart would always be toward eternity... even when it came to my child.

On the Wednesday night after the first trip to the Doctor, Ronnie and I just came back home. We could have made it in time for church, but honestly, our hearts were a bit too broken to talk with anyone that night. Usually, we are at church until kinda late due to commitments that we both have.

The house next door to us is up for rent, and as Ronnie was talking to his dad in our front yard on the cell phone (because there's not good reception inside our house), a lady started waving him down from the driveway next door. He found it a bit strange that she would interrupt his phone conversation, but hung up the phone and talked to her anyway. I was inside the house, probably typing the blog that I posted the next day.

About 30 minutes later, Ronnie came into the house and said "you have to come outside, the lady next door is going to accept Christ now." I jumped up... questioning him and asked what in the world are you talking about?

He gave me the short version, but then said, "she is pulling up in our driveway now, she wants to accept Christ. Her husband has just kicked her out of her house - a preacher told her he was praying for her yesterday - she needs a place to live - - but mainly she just wants to know Jesus. I told her that he doesn't save us because of our works, but because of our faith in Him. Just come out here and lead her in the prayer of salvation!"

I did. I went outside. We talked about life, Jesus, the gospel, the fact that only Christ can save us, and that it is nothing we can do on our own. We discussed that Jesus is the only one who will never leave you nor forsake you - though all others on earth will at some point fail.

At the end of the conversation, about 45 minutes after I had gone outside, she bowed her head, and prayed to receive Christ as her personal Lord and Saviour!

Our child, or, the loss of our child, had us at home on a night when we would typically be at church... because this lady would be looking for some help. Eternity was changed, because we were on the edge of getting horrible news. Our prayers were answered. And, I have no doubt that the peace that is unexplainable that has rested in our home these last weeks, is completely due to the prayer we had been praying since we found out we were pregnant... that we would be prepared to let go, when God called our child to serve in a way that might be uncomfortable to us.


Our Four Sons said...

Thank you for your witness. Thank you for giving a most precious gift to the Lord before you yourself knew him/her. Thank you for trusting the Father's plan. Thank you for remaining faithful through it all.

Stephanie said...

Julia, thanks so much for your encouraging words. We went through the same thing a few months ago. I will be praying for God's comfort and for healing for you and your husband. The verse that you shared in Job is one that God brought to Jimmy and I over and over during the pregnancy and miscarriage. The more we praise Him through the struggle, I know the more we will be able to know Him and understand His heart! I bet our babies are playmates in heaven and I can't wait for the day that we'll get to meet them and hold them!!! Someone gave me a book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew." Its been really helpful to me, you should check it out. Love you girl!!!

JustJessie said...

Wow, Julia. Just wow.

Julie Tiemann said...

Oh my goodness. I planned on commenting the EXACT same words as the girl above me: Wow. Just wow.

God's using you in mighty ways, no doubt.

Tanya Wilson said...

Okay, I've dried up my tears now. Your story is amazing! God works in mysterious ways. We've been praying for you and Ronnie. God has more plans for you two, just wait. Your friends at CBC.


Mitzi said...

Wow is the only word that comes to my mind also.....Thank you so much for sharing! still praying!

Anonymous said...

How wonderful that you let God use you in your time of tremendous sorrow and heartache...and that you recognized that had you not been at home greiving, that this lady may not have come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.