Friday, August 15, 2008

Another Day

Well, I have to be honest today. I know most of my blogs are up, pushing funny, happy-go-lucky, life-is-a-bucket-of-roses, blogs.... if that's what ya came for... this ain't it today... sorry

I don't feel like blogging.

I don't feel like doing laundry (this is normal though.)

I tried to work on my newest adventure - - a new bedside table - - but my drill battery was dead... and requires 16 hours to charge.

I don't even feel like watching the Olympics.

Even worse, I don't even feel like going shopping as Ronnie and I had planned to do tonight.

Ya see, I am usually a 'do-er.' I do things. I really like to do things that help people - - but even when that can't be accomplished - I still 'do.' I have never been one to be lazy day after day. Oh sure, there are those rainy Saturdays - - but honestly, the reason they are special is because every other day is NOT like that!

Right now, for the last two weeks of my life, I can not come up with ONE productive thing I have accomplished. Until a couple weeks ago, I still had classes going on that I was teaching... before that, I was still working at the church... and doing Tupperware parties... Now, since we are preparing to move... and yet not yet moving... all that is gone - and we are still here. I could pack... but honestly, I just feel like doing nothing.

The worst part is that it is a beautiful day outside! I don't even want to go out there.

So many 'un-true' statements go through this little mind.

- you aren't qualified for those jobs that help people out
- you can't do it anyway, why try.
- you won't be able to finish anything you start, so why try?

it even goes so far as.... - you are just useless.

Useless?? I don't want to be useless.

I was listening to a Matthew West cd that I got back in the Spring - Some of the lyrics include:

You got something to say
If you're livin', if you're breathin'
You got something to say
And you know if your heart is beatin'
You got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through
You got it, you got it
You got something to say

Listen up, I got a question here
Would anybody miss you if you disappeared?
Well your life is the song that you sing
And the whole wide world is listening

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Basically - - those are from two of the songs... it should encourage me to get off my tail and get busy doing something.

I also saw this morning where a lady won $50,000 worth of K-mart gift cards. She lives in a poor area of the country. Instead of doing what we all would first do with that money... she went and bought school supplies for 9,000 students that live in her neighborhood. They all got a full backpack of school supplies. WOW! I cried.

I don't usually cry at things like that.

Probably because used to.... I participated in that stuff... I wasn't sitting at home watching it on TV.

But in the back of my head, it echoes... "what if I had given everything?" and "would anybody miss me if I disappeared."

Now, don't say stuff like "I would miss you..." What I mean is that my questions are real. Honest. What difference has my life made in the last few days? Weeks? Months? I haven't helped any one get school supplies, Haven''t been able to show love in a way that impacts people.

So, I look online for jobs... in order to get a job helping people, making a difference, you have to already have 5-7 years experience in doing that. Here comes the qualification thing again....

My heart is just kinda empty.

There is so much I want to do.

There is so much I feel I need to do.

Yet, I am here waiting. For what? I simply don't know.

So, I sit here. On my couch. Empty.

Comments closed. Please spend that time praying for me instead.