I really can't think of a good title.

I have started yet another political job. But we won't discuss that here. There are plenty of political blogs that do much more than I would even want to.

I am going today to have blood taken to make sure all my HCG (pregnancy hormone) numbers are dropping appropriately.

I honestly thought, somehow, that when the actual process happened, and the physical pain was becoming less and less, that the emotional healing would be a steady upward process.

I was wrong.

For a couple of days, I felt really good, physically, emotionally, everything.

This weekend has been hard! And today I feel on the edge of tears constantly, and I really don't know why.

During the time since I found out my baby was no longer alive (approximately 4 weeks now.... ) five friends have had their babies, and the pictures didn't really hurt... 4 others have announced that they were pregnant, and the news really made me excited for them. I count myself lucky to not be jealous of others' excitement.

This weekend, however, I think the thing that set it off was a late delivery from the mailman. About 8 weeks ago, I went to the huggies website and signed up for some random diaper sample. It just seemed like a smart thing to do, get 3 free diapers... right?? Well, they were delivered Saturday afternoon. I just wasn't expecting it. There, in the middle of my living room, I was holding the diapers that were meant for my baby... and my heart broke. Again.

Please continue to pray for me as my emotions are still just ugly. I want to be healed, to feel better, to allow the hole that will always be in my heart, to begin to heal... although the hole will remain, at least it will one day be a reminder of the hope that is to come.... today, it just still hurts.

In addition to this, please keep my little brother in your prayers - - he has arrived at his sandbox destination... and the battle continues.

If it's not one thing...

My mom says it so well...

My dad does too...

Thank you Jon-Jon for fighting for our freedom -

What I will take away

There are many parts of this last month that will hopefully fade from my memory. I could list them, but then they would be permanently memorialized here, and I really just don't want to do that.

However, there are even more parts of this last month that I want to remember forever. I have listed a few below. The last one, I have not mentioned up to this point on the blog mainly because I think I was just not yet ready to discuss it.

- The look on Ronnie's face when I staggered into the living room, Sunday morning, April 26th, holding the first pregnancy test, trying to see if that was really two lines. I finally looked at him, and said "You are going to be a daddy!"

- The trip that afternoon to Babies R Us in an attempt to let the weight sink in

- Keeping a secret for a WHOLE WEEK!

- The fun of planning to tell our families. - I never did get the fun stories typed out. I will do that soon.

- Those weeks of overwhelming excitement and fear that seem to compete, and yet somehow, they simply worked together to create a sense of awe at what was happening in my body.

- Buying our first baby items, and getting the one gift that was given to us for our baby. That precious gift will be treasured forever. Ironically - - it was a small outfit, and a book entitled "On the night you were born." I tear up when I see it even still.

- The process of watching the most amazing man in the world learn how to handle a pregnant woman, and then have to turn around so quickly to learn to hold me while my heart was breaking. All the while knowing that his heart was crushed as well.

- The amazing love, support, and prayers of the people around us. Some that we have known for years... others only weeks. Yet you have all been a rock for us to rest on.

- The peace that passes all understanding that has filled our home these last weeks. I would love to be able to explain how it is that my baby can be taken before I ever got to meet him, and yet, I feel no anger. I am so thankful that peace, hope, and love have all reigned in our home. I simply must give the credit to our Savior.

- Finally, the story that I have yet to tell.

I need to start with the background that Ronnie and I, from the first day of knowing we were going to be parents, started praying that our child would have eternal impact. It is each of our desires that our own lives not be limited to the short time we have on earth, but that someone's eternity might be changed because we were here. We had already begun to pray that for our child. We also had been praying that we would be ready to allow God to use our child anyway He saw fit in order to accomplish this goal. I did not want to ever be held responsible to God, for holding my child back from whatever it was God had planned for him. I wanted to be prepared that one day I would have to allow God to lead my child - - - and that might include things that I would be afraid of. I was praying that my heart would always be toward eternity... even when it came to my child.

On the Wednesday night after the first trip to the Doctor, Ronnie and I just came back home. We could have made it in time for church, but honestly, our hearts were a bit too broken to talk with anyone that night. Usually, we are at church until kinda late due to commitments that we both have.

The house next door to us is up for rent, and as Ronnie was talking to his dad in our front yard on the cell phone (because there's not good reception inside our house), a lady started waving him down from the driveway next door. He found it a bit strange that she would interrupt his phone conversation, but hung up the phone and talked to her anyway. I was inside the house, probably typing the blog that I posted the next day.

About 30 minutes later, Ronnie came into the house and said "you have to come outside, the lady next door is going to accept Christ now." I jumped up... questioning him and asked what in the world are you talking about?

He gave me the short version, but then said, "she is pulling up in our driveway now, she wants to accept Christ. Her husband has just kicked her out of her house - a preacher told her he was praying for her yesterday - she needs a place to live - - but mainly she just wants to know Jesus. I told her that he doesn't save us because of our works, but because of our faith in Him. Just come out here and lead her in the prayer of salvation!"

I did. I went outside. We talked about life, Jesus, the gospel, the fact that only Christ can save us, and that it is nothing we can do on our own. We discussed that Jesus is the only one who will never leave you nor forsake you - though all others on earth will at some point fail.

At the end of the conversation, about 45 minutes after I had gone outside, she bowed her head, and prayed to receive Christ as her personal Lord and Saviour!

Our child, or, the loss of our child, had us at home on a night when we would typically be at church... because this lady would be looking for some help. Eternity was changed, because we were on the edge of getting horrible news. Our prayers were answered. And, I have no doubt that the peace that is unexplainable that has rested in our home these last weeks, is completely due to the prayer we had been praying since we found out we were pregnant... that we would be prepared to let go, when God called our child to serve in a way that might be uncomfortable to us.

Short update

I have to get this done quickly, for there is a lot to do....

I started the physical "process" (enough detail for a blog right?) on Monday evening... My parents came up and got here Tuesday and were here this week to help. Tuesday night I thought "it" was finally happening... but "it" was just some virus that had me hanging onto the porcelain throne most of the night. Wednesday, Ronnie got the same bug.

Thursday and Friday mom and I (and sometimes Dad and Ronnie) walked, and walked, and walked... to try to "induce" the process more. Nothing worked. I even ate papaya, and drank raspeberry leaf tea. No change. Still the same "processing" that was happening on Monday evening.

Today, mom and dad went home. I am really going to miss having them here. For tons of reasons. They were so much help! Emotionally and physically for me... and for Ronnie. It was like the burden was just lighter. The tears fell less often and seemed less heavy. Ronnie didn't have to worry about how I was doing while he was traveling around for court... or working in his office. They helped with meals, (whether that was taking us out... or grilling, or just heating up leftovers!!) They did laundry, they washed dishes... and dad even put cages around my tomatoes in the garden so that they would grow properly, since that had fallen down on my priorities list.

I miss them though, not only for all their help, and their work.... but just being here. There is just something about a mom. Moms just know what to say, and ask the questions when they need to be asked.

So often I feel so wrong right now. I am so ready for this to be over. Ronnie and I have been dealing with the "what-ifs" of this for almost a month now. The definite knowing for just short of 2 weeks. I am torn because I really want it to be over. But then, what am I saying? That I really want my pregnancy to end? This is so backwards from everything I know - - so backwards from the excitement of just 2 months ago when I was so excited to tell everyone!! And now I just hope it ends soon.

I can sometimes laugh it off, and usually get a smile... but then, my hormones are messed up and the tears just show up (usually when I am alone I guess....)

Anyway - for those keeping updated on this process, thank you for the prayers. I cannot tell you how much they help. This has been one of the toughest months of my life... and it's not over yet. I don't know what I would have done without my amazing husband, to care for me, and just hold me when the questions outnumber the answers... my parents who love me so much... and my friends that constantly hold me up before the Lord... those new friends that I have only met in the last couple of months - - and those that I have known for years. You are all priceless to me.

Each day continues

It has been 6 days since my last update. During that time, there have been a massive level of emotions.

First, I want to thank all that either here on my blog, or on my facebook, or via email, text msg, or phone call have loved us. I also want to thank those who I have been able to see personally - at church, or wherever, that have given a hug, smiled the uncomfortable smile, and said "I don't know what to say, but I am praying for you." Those words mean more to us than you can ever imagine. The outpouring of care has been overwhelming - and appreciated more than I can ever express to you. Thank you. Looking back to a couple months ago when I questioned friendship - - I do not anymore. So many people have shown that they really, REALLY care.

Now, to discuss our state. The emotional challenges shift daily. For you see, I still have NO signs of a miscarriage physically. This waiting, wondering, fearing, etc... takes an emotional toll. My pregnancy symptoms have faded thankfully. (Please take that statement with the heart of what I really mean... I am NOT glad that I no longer have a growing child.... however, losing the child, and still being nauseaus, exhausted and having heartburn daily just is not fair.)

We have continued this week with life as usual. I still volunteer at the church, still teach my college course, we worked the youth event Friday night and had a great day with several groups of friends on Saturday. We went to church Sunday - and are so thankful for the love we are shown there - and went for a walk Sunday afternoon. Yes, we have times of struggle, and yes the grieving process is still going on. We are not avoiding it... but to be honest, I think we may be delaying part of it until the miscarriage actually happens. I have also found that it helps me to keep my perspective, and keep my eyes open to the world around me, if I do more than sit at home and simply wait. There is a world of hurting people out there - - and yes, I am hurting too - but it helps to be able to help others instead of having my own pity party right now.

This week will be filled with emotions.

Tomorrow is our 2nd wedding anniversary. To be honest, I am praying that if the miscarriage does not happen today, that is waits until tomorrow is finished. I really want to keep the anniversary of the happiest day of my life, from being marred by one of the saddest.

Sometime this week also, my little brother, leaves for his second adventure in the "sandbox." As a family, this is one of the hardest, and most challenging things we have lived through.... and yet, it carries with it a pride that we cannot match.

This weekend, we will get to see some of our dearest friends. We are each traveling about half the distance between where we live in order to spend some much needed time together.

So much should be said, so many things that are still floating in my head, but they just don't come out right in a blog.

The Bible says "In everything give Thanks." This verse has echoed in my heart these last 6 days. Everything? yes. even this. Is it wrong and heartless to give thanks for the situation we are currently in? It cannot be, for if it were, then a loving, righteous God would never instruct us to "give thanks" in Everthing. So, I am working on my "thanksgiving." For even this.

Without the blood, there can be no life.

I will start by stating the facts, and then will go on. 

It is really hard to put into words the weight of the day. 

My baby is no longer alive. 

Those words echo in my heart. 

Upon first view of the sonogram today, Ronnie and I were not convinced that the Doctor was sure of what they were saying. Until they turned on a color sensor, that shows where the bloodflow is. You could see all around the child, that there was bloodflow..... however, there was none going to the baby. It was at this moment, that we realized those words not only impact our eternal situation.... but in this life as well, without the blood, there can be no life. Our child passed away sometime about 4 weeks ago. 

That is enough of the technical stuff. Our hearts hurt tonight. I have no symptoms yet of a miscarriage outside of knowing what the sonogram showed us all too clearly. I am sure that will come in its own time. 

Ronnie and I have no choice but to stand together at this point and thank God for the opportunity to have been pregnant.... for I know there are many that have not felt that joy.... we thank God for the knowledge that He is taking care of our precious child in His Heaven even now.... and We thank God for each of you that have been praying, and we trust will continue to pray for us as we go through this process. 

"I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." 2 Timothy 1:12