Well, yesterday was tough. I seem to have this trend going these days.... sorry.
Last night though, I had practice at church with the Sunday morning band. I almost skipped it. I felt so bad by the time I got there I wanted to throw up. I couldn't find any one reason that I felt that bad - I think the emotions of the last two weeks all built up and I had been alone most of the day so it had all festered inside of me till I just about made myself sick. Not just the fact that people were laughing at me - but still the death of a friend last week, my brother learning about that and knowing he had to deal with that alone, and a few other things that I haven't blogged about because either they are too personal, or they are too long of a story! Anyway - bottom line is that by last night, I was done - I just wanted to go home and cry for a while.... I almost called and said I couldn't practice. It was the first week I was not going to be responsible for the rehearsal in a month, and I just didn't want to be there.
However, the "never quit" mentality that is somehow deep down inside of me pushed me into practice. Our first song was an older Darlene Szchech (sp?) song... the chorus is something like this - "You are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower, my very present help in time of need." WHOA! How great is that? I almost started crying while I was singing it - thankfully, this is not my week to be singing in a mic (doesn't mean I won't sing... just that we have so many altos, I don't get a mic this week... which is fine with me) so the shaky voice that came out as I started singing didn't draw attention from the rest of the band. So now, that is my claim. He is my shield - from the people around me that seem to have two faces right now... He is my strength - to get through the tough times... He is my portion, all that I need - He is my deliverer, from the days that I just don't want to face.... He is my shelter - to protect me from the storms... My strong tower, in Him alone can I hide... my very present help in time of need.
I know that the stresses I have right now are nothign compared to what I know some of my friends are facing. And at times, that makes me think that I don't need to even feel bad about this.. I mean after all, it was JUST someone laughing at me - and in the scheme of things... it just doesn't matter in light of eternity... I know that some of my readers are dealing with REAL stuff - deaths, diseases, etc. etc. - So, I want to quit complaining and simply say that I am putting my trust back in Him alone. Not in myself, or my job, or anything else around me. I am also re-focusing on my reason for doing the things I do. It DEFINATELY isn't the money, or the respect, or even the fulfillment that I want. I simply want to do what I am called to do. I will never make lots of money doing ministry. I cannot rely on the people I am working with to provide me with fulfillment - that can only come from Christ as well.
So, thats me - moving on... emotionally - but not physically right now. Gonna go right back in there and keep on doing what I am supposed to be doing. I do appreciate you guys for praying for me.